Starting this thing...

I have decided to start writing about what I do each day and how I am feeling mainly so that I can go back and see if a) I am depressed b) I can find some glaringly obvious patterns and change them for the better c) I will feel better about being at home, less guilty, less bored, less angry. My intent of course is that this is for my eyes only and maybe quite possibly some shrink down the road. But mainly I just want to be able to record what I do and how I am doing daily- because am I really as miserable as I seem or am I just 38 weeks pregnant and adjusting to the massive changes in my life?

I often feel I have to lie when asked how I am doing at this point (38 weeks pregnant) instead of being honest because most likely the person asking doesnt really want to know or any real details including my husband. My husband, there is another can of worms...maybe I will be able to see what he seems to see after writing it all down for awhile...maybe not but I will say I feel I can talk to him less and less about any of this stuff. And while I have amazing girlfriends who I get to vent to I dont get to see them as often as I need to vent...

So Day One: March 19, 2009
I slept well finally! I actually woke up after 4 solid hours of sleep to go to the bathroom and felt so gracious that I slept I couldnt believe it. I dare not jinx things and say that the baby moved down but I actually ran up a flight of stairs today and didnt feel like I would die. For the last several months I have gotten out of breath just moving positions on the couch nevermind going up the flight of stairs. It has been very frustrating to say the least. I feel the best physically I have felt in weeks which makes me think she wont be coming out for awhile and if I stay feeling this way that is fine with me. I am starting to realize the time alone with Jake is precious and enjoying it more. Even cutting myself a little slack for the morning routine with tv and cuddles.

I just made plans to see an old friend from work on Monday too which lifts my spirits and gives me something to look forward too. I definitely need to start finding ways to curb the boredom I feel. Though I know soon enough it will be even harder with an infant. I am determined to get outside after she is born and take atleast a daily walk. I am so proud that Jake has learned his colors and his numbers and so angry that my husband says "he isnt learning" at home with me nevermind insulted. It does atleast make me feel like I am doing some good and this time at home with me has been good for us both.

Things to address in the days to come...

- my boredom, finding more things to do with Jake, more people to make plans with and have playdates
- not relying on others for me to be happy
- finding a job and how I feel about losing the old one and getting a new one
- making sure Jake gets my attention after the baby is born
- my weight
- money
- making time for the marriage
- how I look forward to shannon coming home and when he gets here its a let down almost every time.
- the lack of interest in this baby and the birth plan and his complete lack of support for me and my feelings- should he even by my coach/birthing partner
- how he cuts me no slack for being pregnant and is annoyed that he has to do more
- how to address his mother coming and stand my ground for him spending the time with her and not putting it on me