irritated, frustrated and angry at the husband. He seriously actually made an attempt at sex last night. seriously.
after doing absolutely nothing I asked him to do while me and the kids were away. He couldnt even be bothered to put my car in the garage "it isnt a priority", return diapers to bjs, or call the vet.
i finally carried the tote of clothes to the second floor that has been at the bottom of the stairs for over two months. And when I asked him to change a diaper at 3am he heavy sighed and said he was tired because he was up with jake- suck it up fucker I am up with molly multiple times every night.
She was fussing for two hours the other morning and he didnt say a word or offer any help. And then last night he was with her for an hour and a half and when i got home said he was "done" with her. When I left the room later that night and she was crying on the couch next to him he didnt even attempt to pick her up - he just ignored her.
I hate him.
I hate that I think he he thinks molly is a bitch like her mother. I hate that he is not a partner, that he is a lazy fuck, that he would rather facebook than give jake a hug or cuddle- yes that actually happened- he wouldnt get off the computer when jake asked.
i hate that he is a disorganized, doesnt pick up after himself, cant find anything when he looks for something and knows its there, that he chews icecubes, picks his nose.
I hate that he refuses to take care of his family in the ways that we need it and not just monetary. I hate that he is a cold son of a bitch. The only person he shows affection to is jake and only on his terms.
I want to be loved the way I deserve and have a partner in life who will take care of my needs and I can take care of theirs. A give and take relationship.
I am angry.
I didnt want him to come to the cape and I didnt want to go home. Its almost worse when he is there.
I hope we make it thru this. I am so tired of always giving up what I want because he cant give it to me.

is irritated that all of a sudden mozilla stopped doing random things it used to.
...is tired and wondering what molly's problem is today. she has barely slept and been cranky (gassy?) all day long.
...was sad earlier trying to talk to jill and jess about how I feel i cant do it without crying.
I am bored and constantly feel torn between entertaining jake, entertaining myself, getting things done around the house which make me feel better and feeling guilty for doing whatever it is I am not.
I feel disapointed and most often angry at the husband. He does not HEAR me or SEE me.
I feel invisible, alone, sad. tired and tired of crying and feeling so torn and not good enough.
when will he finish the fucking dresser that he promised would be done before molly was born and when will he put up the fucking blinds? seriously he was home for a friggin week alone and couldnt be bothered.

Good things- he thought enough to shop for a ring for me for molly's birth- that was nice, he cleaned the bathroom like i asked him to before i got home and he stripped the bed before i got home- which only made me wonder if he had someone else in it...what is wrong with me? us?

I am lost- he pays no attention to me and yes, I need the attention.

lonely

well its been awhile...I feel happy today. We went for a hike/walk around wiland pond (part way) and then took jake and molly to the buffalo farm. Shannon has had the whole week off and we are finally feeling like we want to get out and do some stuff. We went out to breakfast yesterday and are working on getting up and out of the house before 11am.
i am happier now that molly is here...i gave shannon the wii- or should I say he discovered it and is enjoying it. i realized that we both love thunderstorms as we had our first one of the season the other day. We have been working well together despite the sleep deprivation and i hope that continues...more to come.

I feel like i should have posted this weekend because a lot happened and I am too tired and too hungry ( i guess-stomach issues) to write about it. the end being that he hurt my feelings yet again, made me cry on saturday, sunday was his birthday and i brought up how he has never liked any gift i or anyone else has ever given him ... he admitted it was the truth and then he said we either need to go to counseling or think about calling it quits...its about time he voiced this opinion. I have so much to say about this I cant type fast enough. needless to say i did not give him his present and in fact i am waiting for a day when he does something nice to/for me.
yesterday he was suprisingly more affectionate than normal...i.e. he kissed me on his way up to bed. that was nice.
i cooked dinner and again he put the dishes in the sink with the trash and left them all for me to do this morning.
i worked on the tax file for nearly 3 hrs last night and didnt sleep well because i was praying the baby would come today...moron.
i used my allowance to buy fabric to make fun burp cloths and blanket for the baby and tractor mac for jake...i am excited to create some fun things with my mom.
also i finished knitting the baby pants and just have to sew the elastic...thats on today's nap agenda if i make it.

March 20, 2009

Had a playdate today with some good friends from my old work. Jake was super excited and we even got out of the house early! When we got there though I realized my tire that has been slowly leaking for the last month and that my dad asked shannon personally to take care of was flat. The last few days I had been thinking that it definitely needed air but I couldnt think of a full service gas station to go to to get air put in when I didnt need gas. Shannon of course ignored it altogether. ..I was/am really angry about it. I called him and made him come and switch cars and bring it to the mechanic which he was so pleased with- he made a snide comment but only in front of my friends and then tried to make small talk with me in the car.

I am angry because I feel like he should "man up" and take care of something for once. If he really cared about me he wouldnt have wanted his pregnant wife and child riding around in a car that was unsafe but instead he waits for it to be flat and gets annoyed that he has to deal it. I have asked him several times to handle all things automotive but just like every other dedicated responsibility of his he shirks. i.e. the garbage- he cant just take it out when its overflowing he has to wait for me to ask him and then of course he cant put a new bag in - oh no- i have to do that part.
He asks me not to put trash in the sink because it gets clogged but when he "cleans up" from dinner everything just gets thrown in the sink, trash and all, so that I just have to clean it all up in the morning.
I am angry at him 90% of the time, I do so much for him and he appreciates none of it and he is constantly an inconsiderate prick. I went to pick him up at work today so we could get the car and for the third time now he has left me and jake waiting in the car for over 30 minutes. AND he doesnt even apologize which is the worst part!! If I ever left him waiting for even ten minutes I at the very least apologize.
I think about leaving- I talked to Tracey about how feeling alone in a relationship is worse and more sad than actually being alone. I seriously wonder what kind of marriage this will ever be when he has never and most likely will never be an actual partner.
I am tired of feeling like I always reach out to him, do nice things, that he either doesnt notice or doesnt appreciate- why bother.
Oh and his birthday is this weekend and I dont even want to give him his present I feel like he doesnt deserve it and just like every other present I get him wont be good enough anyway. He recently made a comment about how he wants to trade in the k-cup machine I got him for xmas for a "better" model. Nothing is ever good enough.
Why am i having a second child with him...who could be my coach instead?
I went and picked up his medicine and vitamins tonight- not even a thank you.
He asks me why I am so angry and I cant even begin to talk to him because I know Ill just cry and its not worth the energy anyway- he wont listen or just turn it around on me or say his trademark "your ridiculous"
I dont know- I feel sad that I am considering just giving up on it- why bother fighting for something again that he may have never even wanted. Why fight to make someone want to be a partner- either does or he doesnt. He says he loves me but I see no signs of it...I should get that book jess talked about that describes the way people show love because honestly he never touches me so it isnt physical, he never makes an attempt to have a date, he certainly doesnt want or enjoy taking care of me...
how will this effect our kids...
we cant communicate and need counseling and yet how do you go to counseling without child care?

March 19th continued...

Took Jake outside with his yellow truck after he woke up from his nap considerably whiny. He scooped snow and I watched. Then we went for a walk to the store to curb my chocolate cravings...the fresh air and walk felt nice. He is watching Peter Pan as I type...

baby has hiccups again...i asked shannon if he wanted to feel...he made some excuse. wonder if I should find someone else to be my coach...he shows no interest and no support. wanted nothing to do with the birth plan either. just thinks I should get the epidural as soon as we get there so he can sit and do nothing.