I feel like i should have posted this weekend because a lot happened and I am too tired and too hungry ( i guess-stomach issues) to write about it. the end being that he hurt my feelings yet again, made me cry on saturday, sunday was his birthday and i brought up how he has never liked any gift i or anyone else has ever given him ... he admitted it was the truth and then he said we either need to go to counseling or think about calling it quits...its about time he voiced this opinion. I have so much to say about this I cant type fast enough. needless to say i did not give him his present and in fact i am waiting for a day when he does something nice to/for me.
yesterday he was suprisingly more affectionate than normal...i.e. he kissed me on his way up to bed. that was nice.
i cooked dinner and again he put the dishes in the sink with the trash and left them all for me to do this morning.
i worked on the tax file for nearly 3 hrs last night and didnt sleep well because i was praying the baby would come today...moron.
i used my allowance to buy fabric to make fun burp cloths and blanket for the baby and tractor mac for jake...i am excited to create some fun things with my mom.
also i finished knitting the baby pants and just have to sew the elastic...thats on today's nap agenda if i make it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
March 20, 2009
Had a playdate today with some good friends from my old work. Jake was super excited and we even got out of the house early! When we got there though I realized my tire that has been slowly leaking for the last month and that my dad asked shannon personally to take care of was flat. The last few days I had been thinking that it definitely needed air but I couldnt think of a full service gas station to go to to get air put in when I didnt need gas. Shannon of course ignored it altogether. ..I was/am really angry about it. I called him and made him come and switch cars and bring it to the mechanic which he was so pleased with- he made a snide comment but only in front of my friends and then tried to make small talk with me in the car.
I am angry because I feel like he should "man up" and take care of something for once. If he really cared about me he wouldnt have wanted his pregnant wife and child riding around in a car that was unsafe but instead he waits for it to be flat and gets annoyed that he has to deal it. I have asked him several times to handle all things automotive but just like every other dedicated responsibility of his he shirks. i.e. the garbage- he cant just take it out when its overflowing he has to wait for me to ask him and then of course he cant put a new bag in - oh no- i have to do that part.
He asks me not to put trash in the sink because it gets clogged but when he "cleans up" from dinner everything just gets thrown in the sink, trash and all, so that I just have to clean it all up in the morning.
I am angry at him 90% of the time, I do so much for him and he appreciates none of it and he is constantly an inconsiderate prick. I went to pick him up at work today so we could get the car and for the third time now he has left me and jake waiting in the car for over 30 minutes. AND he doesnt even apologize which is the worst part!! If I ever left him waiting for even ten minutes I at the very least apologize.
I think about leaving- I talked to Tracey about how feeling alone in a relationship is worse and more sad than actually being alone. I seriously wonder what kind of marriage this will ever be when he has never and most likely will never be an actual partner.
I am tired of feeling like I always reach out to him, do nice things, that he either doesnt notice or doesnt appreciate- why bother.
Oh and his birthday is this weekend and I dont even want to give him his present I feel like he doesnt deserve it and just like every other present I get him wont be good enough anyway. He recently made a comment about how he wants to trade in the k-cup machine I got him for xmas for a "better" model. Nothing is ever good enough.
Why am i having a second child with him...who could be my coach instead?
I went and picked up his medicine and vitamins tonight- not even a thank you.
He asks me why I am so angry and I cant even begin to talk to him because I know Ill just cry and its not worth the energy anyway- he wont listen or just turn it around on me or say his trademark "your ridiculous"
I dont know- I feel sad that I am considering just giving up on it- why bother fighting for something again that he may have never even wanted. Why fight to make someone want to be a partner- either does or he doesnt. He says he loves me but I see no signs of it...I should get that book jess talked about that describes the way people show love because honestly he never touches me so it isnt physical, he never makes an attempt to have a date, he certainly doesnt want or enjoy taking care of me...
how will this effect our kids...
we cant communicate and need counseling and yet how do you go to counseling without child care?
I am angry because I feel like he should "man up" and take care of something for once. If he really cared about me he wouldnt have wanted his pregnant wife and child riding around in a car that was unsafe but instead he waits for it to be flat and gets annoyed that he has to deal it. I have asked him several times to handle all things automotive but just like every other dedicated responsibility of his he shirks. i.e. the garbage- he cant just take it out when its overflowing he has to wait for me to ask him and then of course he cant put a new bag in - oh no- i have to do that part.
He asks me not to put trash in the sink because it gets clogged but when he "cleans up" from dinner everything just gets thrown in the sink, trash and all, so that I just have to clean it all up in the morning.
I am angry at him 90% of the time, I do so much for him and he appreciates none of it and he is constantly an inconsiderate prick. I went to pick him up at work today so we could get the car and for the third time now he has left me and jake waiting in the car for over 30 minutes. AND he doesnt even apologize which is the worst part!! If I ever left him waiting for even ten minutes I at the very least apologize.
I think about leaving- I talked to Tracey about how feeling alone in a relationship is worse and more sad than actually being alone. I seriously wonder what kind of marriage this will ever be when he has never and most likely will never be an actual partner.
I am tired of feeling like I always reach out to him, do nice things, that he either doesnt notice or doesnt appreciate- why bother.
Oh and his birthday is this weekend and I dont even want to give him his present I feel like he doesnt deserve it and just like every other present I get him wont be good enough anyway. He recently made a comment about how he wants to trade in the k-cup machine I got him for xmas for a "better" model. Nothing is ever good enough.
Why am i having a second child with him...who could be my coach instead?
I went and picked up his medicine and vitamins tonight- not even a thank you.
He asks me why I am so angry and I cant even begin to talk to him because I know Ill just cry and its not worth the energy anyway- he wont listen or just turn it around on me or say his trademark "your ridiculous"
I dont know- I feel sad that I am considering just giving up on it- why bother fighting for something again that he may have never even wanted. Why fight to make someone want to be a partner- either does or he doesnt. He says he loves me but I see no signs of it...I should get that book jess talked about that describes the way people show love because honestly he never touches me so it isnt physical, he never makes an attempt to have a date, he certainly doesnt want or enjoy taking care of me...
how will this effect our kids...
we cant communicate and need counseling and yet how do you go to counseling without child care?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
March 19th continued...
Took Jake outside with his yellow truck after he woke up from his nap considerably whiny. He scooped snow and I watched. Then we went for a walk to the store to curb my chocolate cravings...the fresh air and walk felt nice. He is watching Peter Pan as I type...
baby has hiccups again...i asked shannon if he wanted to feel...he made some excuse. wonder if I should find someone else to be my coach...he shows no interest and no support. wanted nothing to do with the birth plan either. just thinks I should get the epidural as soon as we get there so he can sit and do nothing.
Took Jake outside with his yellow truck after he woke up from his nap considerably whiny. He scooped snow and I watched. Then we went for a walk to the store to curb my chocolate cravings...the fresh air and walk felt nice. He is watching Peter Pan as I type...
baby has hiccups again...i asked shannon if he wanted to feel...he made some excuse. wonder if I should find someone else to be my coach...he shows no interest and no support. wanted nothing to do with the birth plan either. just thinks I should get the epidural as soon as we get there so he can sit and do nothing.
Starting this thing...
I have decided to start writing about what I do each day and how I am feeling mainly so that I can go back and see if a) I am depressed b) I can find some glaringly obvious patterns and change them for the better c) I will feel better about being at home, less guilty, less bored, less angry. My intent of course is that this is for my eyes only and maybe quite possibly some shrink down the road. But mainly I just want to be able to record what I do and how I am doing daily- because am I really as miserable as I seem or am I just 38 weeks pregnant and adjusting to the massive changes in my life?
I often feel I have to lie when asked how I am doing at this point (38 weeks pregnant) instead of being honest because most likely the person asking doesnt really want to know or any real details including my husband. My husband, there is another can of worms...maybe I will be able to see what he seems to see after writing it all down for awhile...maybe not but I will say I feel I can talk to him less and less about any of this stuff. And while I have amazing girlfriends who I get to vent to I dont get to see them as often as I need to vent...
So Day One: March 19, 2009
I slept well finally! I actually woke up after 4 solid hours of sleep to go to the bathroom and felt so gracious that I slept I couldnt believe it. I dare not jinx things and say that the baby moved down but I actually ran up a flight of stairs today and didnt feel like I would die. For the last several months I have gotten out of breath just moving positions on the couch nevermind going up the flight of stairs. It has been very frustrating to say the least. I feel the best physically I have felt in weeks which makes me think she wont be coming out for awhile and if I stay feeling this way that is fine with me. I am starting to realize the time alone with Jake is precious and enjoying it more. Even cutting myself a little slack for the morning routine with tv and cuddles.
I just made plans to see an old friend from work on Monday too which lifts my spirits and gives me something to look forward too. I definitely need to start finding ways to curb the boredom I feel. Though I know soon enough it will be even harder with an infant. I am determined to get outside after she is born and take atleast a daily walk. I am so proud that Jake has learned his colors and his numbers and so angry that my husband says "he isnt learning" at home with me nevermind insulted. It does atleast make me feel like I am doing some good and this time at home with me has been good for us both.
Things to address in the days to come...
- my boredom, finding more things to do with Jake, more people to make plans with and have playdates
- not relying on others for me to be happy
- finding a job and how I feel about losing the old one and getting a new one
- making sure Jake gets my attention after the baby is born
- my weight
- money
- making time for the marriage
- how I look forward to shannon coming home and when he gets here its a let down almost every time.
- the lack of interest in this baby and the birth plan and his complete lack of support for me and my feelings- should he even by my coach/birthing partner
- how he cuts me no slack for being pregnant and is annoyed that he has to do more
- how to address his mother coming and stand my ground for him spending the time with her and not putting it on me
I often feel I have to lie when asked how I am doing at this point (38 weeks pregnant) instead of being honest because most likely the person asking doesnt really want to know or any real details including my husband. My husband, there is another can of worms...maybe I will be able to see what he seems to see after writing it all down for awhile...maybe not but I will say I feel I can talk to him less and less about any of this stuff. And while I have amazing girlfriends who I get to vent to I dont get to see them as often as I need to vent...
So Day One: March 19, 2009
I slept well finally! I actually woke up after 4 solid hours of sleep to go to the bathroom and felt so gracious that I slept I couldnt believe it. I dare not jinx things and say that the baby moved down but I actually ran up a flight of stairs today and didnt feel like I would die. For the last several months I have gotten out of breath just moving positions on the couch nevermind going up the flight of stairs. It has been very frustrating to say the least. I feel the best physically I have felt in weeks which makes me think she wont be coming out for awhile and if I stay feeling this way that is fine with me. I am starting to realize the time alone with Jake is precious and enjoying it more. Even cutting myself a little slack for the morning routine with tv and cuddles.
I just made plans to see an old friend from work on Monday too which lifts my spirits and gives me something to look forward too. I definitely need to start finding ways to curb the boredom I feel. Though I know soon enough it will be even harder with an infant. I am determined to get outside after she is born and take atleast a daily walk. I am so proud that Jake has learned his colors and his numbers and so angry that my husband says "he isnt learning" at home with me nevermind insulted. It does atleast make me feel like I am doing some good and this time at home with me has been good for us both.
Things to address in the days to come...
- my boredom, finding more things to do with Jake, more people to make plans with and have playdates
- not relying on others for me to be happy
- finding a job and how I feel about losing the old one and getting a new one
- making sure Jake gets my attention after the baby is born
- my weight
- money
- making time for the marriage
- how I look forward to shannon coming home and when he gets here its a let down almost every time.
- the lack of interest in this baby and the birth plan and his complete lack of support for me and my feelings- should he even by my coach/birthing partner
- how he cuts me no slack for being pregnant and is annoyed that he has to do more
- how to address his mother coming and stand my ground for him spending the time with her and not putting it on me
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